mr hippo speeches (read if bored) [fixed]
rewriting mr hippo speeches to cure my boredom
JAWS OF A BEAST
eh.. it seems that you have met a-a horrible demise, my friend. but… uh... you know, these.. these things happen in - in life. life goes on. not for you, obviously, uh, youre dead, but uh.. it reminds me of a time. i was - i was having a conversation with my friend orville. we were, uh... we were... - the river. we were sitting by the river watching the fish leap over the falls, and i said to orville:
"sometimes i feel like a fish leaping over and over again, always trying to get somewhere. no, i dont know where... or only to find to find myself in the jaws of a beast."
he, of course, looked at me… eh... surprised, you know?
"have you been in the jaws of a beast, friend?"
to which i said "no, of course not, orville."
i said "no, no, no, no, no. i simply meant that life can seem like a relentless endeavor... overcome meaningless obstacles, only to meet an equally meaningless fate, regardless of your efforts. regardless of the obstacles youve passed."
and... uh... orville, he stood and proceeded to drape me with a picnic cloth, to which i asked him, i said "friend, what - what are you doing?"
he looked at me... very concerned, really. "i feel like youve gotten too much sun." indeed, heh. indeed i had.
he proceeded to pour me a glass of... just... ice-cold lemonade... ooh. ever mix it with iced tea? i do like... little half-lemonade half- ...oh, its so - you should try it someti- oh, wait. you can't because youre dead. but, anyways...
so you may be asking yourself, "how did i go from sitting by the falls to drinking lemonade, to being wedged in the air duct? not only with orville, but with an entire assortment of fruity colored friends."
well, theres… uh… theres really no good answer to that, but perhaps ive met a demise of my own at some point, and this is my afterlife or my dream - whatever it might be. i honestly dont know... or... maybe it doesnt mean anything at all.
maybe it doesnt mean anything at all.
ah... it seems that your journey has ended. very sorry about that - it was always going to end this way, of course. if it werent by me, it wouldve just been by some other.. yknow, terrible thing just... you could not imagine how terrible it would be. just... i get scared thinking about it! glad its not me.
reminds me of a... of a time i was speaking to my good friend orville. we were... we were sitting on a park bench watching the pigeons. i was on the left, he was on the... oh wait. was i on the right?... or left? anyways, it doesnt matter. we were sitting on there, watching the pigeons, and i... uh… o said to orville:
"friend, those birds are frozen!"
he... kinda looked at me like id lost my mind. but i reminded him that it was winter, yknow? and often birds will sit in a tree until theyd freeze... then theyd, theyd, you know, sort of fall to the ground until the sun warms up, an- and they can, yknow, move around again.
so i said to orville "youd might as well save those breadcrumbs until the birds thaw, because they cant very well enjoy them in the condition theyre in."
to which he asked what i meant, and asking what condition the crumbs should be in before he threw them to the birds, assuming that i had meant the birds couldnt enjoy the breadcrumbs in the condition that the crumbs were in, when in fact i had meant the birds couldnt enjoy them in the condition that the birds were in, considering the birds were frozen, yknow?
so he took a moment and then threw his last handful onto the ground. i said to him "orville, why did you throw the breadcrumbs to the birds when i just told you theyre frozen?"
to which he responded "the breadcrumbs are not frozen," again misunderstanding my words. i didnt mean to say that the breadcrumbs were frozen when i told you theyre frozen. ive been referring to the birds.
you know, in hindsight, what i - what i shouldve said was - and this would make perfect sense: "why did you throw the breadcrumbs to the birds when the birds are frozen?"
he misunderstood upon my correction, stating that he didn't know what else to do with the breadcrumbs, and that perhaps, yknow, when the birds thawed theyd still be able to eat the crumbs.
so i... i... i said to orville - i said - this is what i said to him - i said:
"orville, the birds may be dead."
my friend, you have met a terrible, terrible demise. but, i, uh, yknow, i - i - i dont feel too bad about it. after all, if it weren't for me it wouldve just been from someone else, yknow? i guess what im trying to say is life - life goes on. well... well for everyone else life goes on. not - not for you… uh... youre dead. thats neither here nor there.
it reminds me of one summer day in the park. i was having just a delightful picnic with my good friend orville, and i said to him - i said "orville, i-i have a story."
and he said to me "whats the significance of the story?" and...
i said to him "o-orville, not every story has to have significance, yknow? sometimes, uh, yknow, sometimes a story is just a story. you try to read into every little thing and find meaning in everything anyone says youll just drive yourself crazy. had a friend do it once - wasnt pretty. we talked about it for years. and not only that, but youll likely end up believing something you shouldnt believe, thinking something you shouldnt think, o-or assuming something you shouldnt assume, yknow?"
sometimes i said "a story is-is just a story, so just be quiet for one second in life and eat your sandwich, okay?" of course, it was only then I realized id made sandwiches.
poor orville was... having such difficulty eating it. elephants have those clumsy hands, yknow? actually, i-i suppose thats the problem. they dont have hands at all, do they? the-theyre all feet! an- i-i couldnt imagine someone asking me to eat a sandwich with my feet.
now, if i recall correctly there was a bakery nearby. i said to him, "orville, let me go get you some rye bread." now, i-im unsure if elephants enjoy rye bread, but i assure you that orville does.
now this was on a tuesday, which was good because rye bread was always fresh on tuesday. they made sourdough bread on monday, and threw it out wednesday... or rather they sold it at a discount for people wanting to feed the ducks, and probably at the end of the day finally they threw it all out - i dont recall.
i do remember a man who would bring his son to the bakery every wednesday and go feed the ducks. he would buy all of the sourdough bread. of course, yknow, youre not supposed to feed the ducks sourdough bread at all. it swells up in their stomach and then they all die. at, uh... at least... at least thats what ive heard. y'know i-i never saw any ducks die myself, but i did notice a substantial decrease in the duck population over the course of a few years. i just never thought to stop the man and tell him that he was killing the ducks by feeding them sourdough bread! and if you want my opinion on the matter, heh - and i told orville this as well - "if you wanna feed ducks, or birds, or any kind for that matter, its best to buy seed."
i mean, when you think about it, breads of any sort dont occur in nature. they dont grow on trees, or spring up from the bushes. i dont think birds know what to do with bread. what was i saying?
oh-oh, yes yes.
so i bought orville some rye bread. what a fine day it was.