hello

Fatherrrr?
Yes,son?
Why isnt my nose 12 inches?
Because then itd be a foot.

badum-tish

09/04/2022

A mix between a Chihuahua and a dachshund is called a "chiweenie."

56ea890c-c7a1-4fd7-b78a-54b7c84c1033-image.png

What milk do you get from a nervous cow?
A milk-shake!
badum-tish
crickets

have you ever spelled or write something and it looked weird af and also have you ever tried to write down a word and forgot how the rest of the word spelled😭

The minister and his wife place an ad for a butler. Early the next morning a nicely dressed young man appears at their front door. The minister asks him, "Can you fix breakfast by 7:00 a.m. every day?"
"Well ... I guess I can."
"And can you make the beds, dust the living room, do the dishes, cut the grass, and polish the silver also?"
"Gee, Sir, I just came by to see about getting married. But if it's going to be that much work, you can count me out!"

Butler
#joke

Read more on page http://www.jokesoftheday.net

Via: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/joke-The-minister-and-his-wife-plac/2022021622

Today, I received an e-mail from a place I'd interviewed at, telling me they won’t be offering me the position. They came across an old Twitter account of mine, where I posted X-Rated content and sometimes stereotypical and dark humor. I don’t even remember the e-mail and password so that I can deactivate it. FML

Via:
https://www.fmylife.com/article/ten-arguments-for-deleting-your-social-media-accounts_374827.html

Today, I was told how cruel and selfish I am for rubbing my weight loss in my mom’s face. I’ve literally begged my mom to walk, jog, workout with me for months. She went exactly once. She complained the whole time, then called me a b***h for finishing my run while she sat in the car. FML

Via:
https://www.fmylife.com/article/you-tried_374813.html

Today, my son apparently has no interest in having a life. He goes from his tiny one-bed flat to work, then back home again to play with his computer. It’s a good job, so he can afford a life, but he has no friends, never dates or goes anywhere, he even gets his shopping delivered. What can I do? FML

Via:
https://www.fmylife.com/article/sounds-like-he-s-got-it-all-figured-out_373261.html

Today, rather than age gracefully my parents have decided they’re going to be the witch and wizard of our neighbourhood, meaning they grow herbs, redecorated the house atrociously, swapped their clothes for dresses and robes, and smoke questionable tobacco in wooden pipes. God they’re so embarrassing. FML

Via:
https://www.fmylife.com/article/hippies-for-life_374177.html

Today, my mother-in-law tried to prove I was lying about my seafood allergy by adding minced prawns to the tomato sauce. In the last 24 hours, I have vomited and s**t so much, plus the lost water weight from the sweating, I’ve lost almost 9lbs in body weight. FML

Via:
https://www.fmylife.com/article/poisoning-attempt_374179.html

Today, I confronted my dad about his horrible attitude toward women. I pointed out that a man with as many sisters and daughters as he has, shouldn’t refer to women who’ve had children as “damaged goods”. He laughed and said, “Ah well, once it’s been blown out, it’s no good to anyone.” Thanks dad. FML

Via:
https://www.fmylife.com/article/bad-women-s-anatomy_374183.html

Today, it was mine and my girlfriend's two-year anniversary. Back in my room, I decided to get sexy for her by opening the bathroom door, dropping my bath towel, and slowly approaching the bed in the buff. I tripped over my feet and fell flat on my face twice while doing so, which she hysterically laughed at. FML

Via:
https://www.fmylife.com/article/mood-ruined_374203.html

Today, a friend moved into my new house. He was a great roommate years ago, but COVID seems to have driven him mad. He brought a huge stockpile of non-perishable food, and keeps talking about "fortifying" the house. He's trying to build a composting outhouse right now. Send help. FML

Via:
https://www.fmylife.com/article/survivalist_374821.html

Today, after I'd got into a steady routine for months, the new manager waltzed into the store out of the blue and began changing every single rule. I had a panic attack and cried, for which she promptly fired me for “acting like a baby.” I’m autistic and I don’t do well with sudden changes. FML

Via:
https://www.fmylife.com/article/freaked-out_372344.html

Today, I have always been adamant on not wanting children ever, then I did a stupid thing, and now I’m now single and pregnant with twins at 22 years-old. My life is so f*****g over. FML

Via:
https://www.fmylife.com/article/adopt-a-different-attitude_372247.html

Today, I dislocated my big toe doing a stupid stunt to impress a woman, who turned out to be married anyway. The toe won’t go back in, so the doctor thinks it might need a surgical fix. I don’t have insurance so this is going to be f*****g expensive. FML

Via:
https://www.fmylife.com/article/doofus-move_372673.html